This episode took Chris's love of Autolycus and Ally's love of boat stuff and SPAT IN OUR FACES. A fuckboy, a toothman and a slave owner walk into a boat. What do you get? A boring, pretty useless episode where the only joy seemed to come from Lucy Lawless sending wet cabbages floating past Renee O'connor.
Follow us on twitter: @XenaWarriorBiz This podcast is the spinoff/sister podcast of SAILOR BUSINESS. Art by @barelysushi. The Dan Scrolls by @dancassino. Podcast edited by @allystawk. Support us on patreon at www.patreon.com/sailorbusiness
Ally is wrist-deep in a bass, and Chris has drowned in his own reflection. In this manic one-off episode, Aphrodite steals the north star and our heroes find themselves OBSESSED with different subjects of extreme inconvenience. Come on, listeners! Let's get wet!!! (Please appreciate our specialness)
Despite taking the time to proactively overcome her issues in multiple episodes now, Gabrielle seems to be struggling once again with the memory of her past misdeeds. Enchanted breasts and selective memory loss run rampant in this otherwise tedious clip show, which actually feels quite erotic on paper despite falling short in the execution. Considering what the show still has in store for Gabrielle, it feels valid enough to rehash her backstory. But was the least erotic sponge bath scene in television history really necessary?
Chris and Ally both survived their respective plane rides, so now they get to talk about an episode that is the most dear to us in all the world. It's 'When in Rome,' with stellar costumes, a surprising amount of historical accuracy, and a weird amount of rope bondage, for some reason. You also get Ally's choice Hugo Weaving impression, while Chris spills the tea on one-third of the Roman empire's fraught triumvirate. Also, Xena has to go to the bathroom...
Joxer, aka a "little nothing boy", is beaten within an inch of his life by a shady casino mogul. Sounds like a great set-up for some heist hijinks and absolute tomfoolery! Chris and Ally learn that gambling is bad actually, but more importantly, Ally, like Joxer, gets herself ENTIRELY bamboozled! (it's really embarassing.)
After the high point that was The Bitter Suite, the decline of Xena Warrior Princess continues with FORGIVENESS, an episode that is almost as bad as the dreadlocks/mullet wig combo that it features. Does forgiveness come from within, or does it come from within one specific urn? Chris finally admits that Gabrielle is blonde (you have to hear it to believe it), and the show itself seems to have either forgotten its recent musical episode all about the catharsis of forgiveness, or maybe just retconned it entirely.
This episode exists, for some reason, but Chris and Ally aren't really sure why. It hits all the emotional beats of a good episode of Xena, but its place in the timeline makes it feel downright vestigial. Also, is it finally time to cancel Hercules?
Y'all ready for some Tarot business or what? Xena and Gabrielle's rift has come to a head, things can't possibly get any worse, so the only way out is through. Through SONG, that is! Ally and Chris never dreamed that they'd be distanced by a mutual love and appreciation for THE BITTER SUITE, the iconic musical and very tarot-heavy episode of Xena Warrior Princess.
After a slew of wacky hijinks episodes with zany fun and kooky jokes, it's time to get sad. Xena takes us back to uncanny valley, aka centaur hell, and not even Callisto can make this better. The Dan Scroll is bleak, the episode itself is bleak, and, spoiler alert, Ally cries in this one. What a way to spend Chris's birthday!
In a totally significant turn of events, Gabrielle finds herself writing her Xena fanfiction on an enchanted scroll! This episode channels some serious Amelia Bedelia energy as absolute hijinks ensue. Outsmarting the monkey's paw of a magic scroll sure is fun to think about, if not incredibly difficult to actually comprehend. Anyway... TO THE CAVES with you!
Praise Hestia, it's a new episode! If season 2 was the good season, season 3 has got to be the NICE season. This episode gives us 3 Xenas, barely any Gabrielle, and a Joxer that fucks???? I'm sorry. We're still processing it ourselves.
In this episode, Ally learns what a bottle episode is, Chris is flummoxed by the beauty of Gina Torres, and the concept of Xena Minus Xena is thoroughly explored. Ally also brings up an important point that she, Chris, and all of you listeners seemed to have overlooked with regard to the nature of the Xena Warrior Princess episode availability. Is Joxer’s last name The Mighty? Who’s that hanging up by their underwear? And where oh where can a girl find a Hot Topic in ancient Greece?
Put a door around your wife's neck and backhand her across the face, because all is not well in The Debt part 2. Xena's basement is flooded, while Gabrielle's loyalty is not so much questioned as it is very poorly written. Cathy Leamy (@metrokitty) returns to scratch Ally and Chris's noses, and everyone finally (FINALLY!!!!!) learns where the term 'warrior princess' comes from!
Join Chris and Ally and special guest Cathy Leamy (@metrokitty) as they delve into the most sapphic episode of Xena to date. THE DEBT (part 1) sees our heroes travel from New Greeceland to Qin (pronounced Chin), which honestly just looks like a sepia New Greeceland that spilled some Pearl River Mart on itself. Xena is at her absolute surliest, which puts her in the perfect position to learn what it means to be soft and hard like the same time. We already told you, it's very sapphic.
Dust off your goatees and wear a headband directly across your forehead, because Chris and Ally are talking about the mirrorverse, babey!!! The Hercules: The Legendary Journeys episode called Stranger in a Strange World (season 4, episode 5) features Lucy Lawless as Xena. However, she's not like any Xena we've seen before! With all those "cheap signifiers of harlotry", she's more Xena as Harley Quinn than Xena Warrior Princess.
The concept of the mirrorverse trope is explored, and it's not entirely clear whether a mirror Xena would have been born evil, turned good for a little while, and then ultimately decided that it wasn't for her. Join us, won't you, as we do our best to tolerate Kevin Sorbo, laugh at Ares, the god of love, and wonder why the mirror Aphrodite isn't the goddess of hate, but instead is just... a boring normal person dressed like a formal Starfleet officer on shore leave.
In the midst of Passover, Easter AND 4/20, Chris and Ally get together to talk about the midst of Renee O'Connor. That is... Gabrielle's abs! Honestly there is just so much talk about fake baby tummies and real washboard tummies, but only because Dahak is apparently AN ACTUAL REAL LIFE RELIGION AND THIS IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.
Will something finally come between Xena and Gabrielle? Will Xena break her rule of NOT KILLING THE BABIES? The third Moses story of Xena Warrior Princess TO DATE will answer all these questions and more, as well as give you a birth scene filmed exclusively in dutch angles. Also, please hire Chris and Ally to punch up your scripts. Please. They're so good.
Chris and Ally have finally arrived at the Dahak arc, a dark and very drawn out period in the timeline of Xena Warrior Princess. But before we get too deep into messiahs and devils and the end of the world, they get to talk about Boudica, a historical female warrior who influenced the character of Xena and who actually existed in real life!
And also Gabrielle gets impregnated by and/or with the spawn of a literal satan. Hooray! Welcome to Dahak Business!
Loosely inspired by The Dirty Dozen, The Dirty Half Dozen gives us yet another story about bad guys teaming up to stop worse guys. Some radical bro gets his hands on some unbreakable, impenetrable metal and decides to just, like, take over the world. Six thousand decent kills later, Xena puts together a rag-tag group of scoundrels in order to stop him. During all of this, Gabrielle is also struggling with some pretty big "what ifs" about her friendship with Xena. Chris Sims and Allison Stock also struggle with what is arguably THE WORST conversation two people have ever had on this show so far.
Hurry up and ditch Ned Ryerson, because we've finally made it to the groundhog day episode of Xena, Warrior Princess! In what is honestly one the best episodes we've seen so far, Been There, Done That finds Xena stuck in a time loop! Will she figure out what's got herreliving the same day over and over again, or will she be doomed to watch Joxer, Gabrielle and even Argo die for the rest of eternity? The episode was written by Hilary J. Bader, who has written in both the Star Trek and the DC Universe, and who is our new favorite person.
Persecution or madness? I say, porque no los dos? In the season 3 premier (sort of), Xena gets a bad review and gets burdened with both (although the madness ends up being the real problem, because when is there NOT a bounty on Xena’s head somewhere). With whiplash-inducing tonal shifts, this episode can’t decide whether madness is funny or really scary and sad.
Happy new year!! Chris and Ally are back and starting 2019 off strong! Special guest James D’Amato (@OneShotRPG), having somehow managed to actually watch the film, joins to talk about Hercules and Xena - The Animated Movie: The Battle for Mount Olympus, an film with incomprehensible stakes and a plot that could have been been solved with a single conversation. Some points brought up include the Jack Kirby-reminiscent character designs, Hanna-Barbera nostalgia, line weights(!!!!!), and the fact that Hercules doesn’t vote.
We are also joined by a stock photo of a smiling Chinese woman watching TV.